Did you ever notice when you
blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he
sticks his head out the window!
-- Steve Bluestone
My neighbor has two dogs. One of
them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed.
"Moo? Why did you say, "Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a
foreign language."
- Morey Amsterdam
Life is like a dogsled team. If
you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
--Lewis Grizzard
There are three faithful
friends--an old wife, an old dog and ready money.
--Ben Franklin.
The other day I saw two dogs
walk over to a parking meter. One of them says to the other, "How do you like
that? Pay toilets!"
--Dave Starr
They say the dog is man's best
friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?
--Larry Reeb
I went to an exclusive kennel
club. It was very exclusive. There was a sign out front: "No Dogs Allowed."
--Phil Foster
He that lieth down with dogs,
shall rise up with fleas.
--Ben Franklin
If you pick up a starving dog
and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference
between a dog and a man.
--Mark Twain
I have a great dog. She's half
Lab, half pit bull. A good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but
she'll bring it back to me.
--Jimi Celeste
Don't make the mistake of
treating your dogs like humans, or they'll treat you like dogs.
--Martha Scott
Money will buy a pretty good
dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
--Josh Billings
When you leave them in the
morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait
until you turn the key eight hours later.
--Erma Bombeck
Every time I go near the stove,
the dog howls ...
--Phillis Diller
I've been on so many blind dates
I should get a free dog.
--Wendy Liebman
My advice to any diplomat who
wants to have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog.
--Carl Rowan
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a
German shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And
he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that
barks.
--Phillis Diller
They have dog food for
constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay
indoors and let 'em bloat!
--David Letterman
I bought my grandmother a Seeing
Eye dog. But he's a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a
halt.
--Larry Amoros
I like driving around with my
two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use
the car-pool lanes.
--Monica Piper
It was a small town: Ferguson,
Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson.
Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.
--Jackie Vernon
A man bitten by a dog, whether
the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself.
--George D. Prentice 1802-1870 American Journalist & Humorist.
Keep running after a dog and he
will never bite you.
--Francois Rabelais 1495-1583 French Humorist.
I am sir Oracle, and when I ope
my lips, let no dog bark.
--Shakespeare.
About the only thing on a farm
that has an easy time is the dog.
--Edgar Watson Houe 1853-1937 American Journalist.
To his dog, every man is
Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
--Aldous Huxley 1894 English Novelist.
Man is a dogs ideal of what God
should be.
--Holbrook Jackson 1874 English Journalist.
The more I see of the depressing
stature of people, the more I admire my dogs.
--Alphonse de Lamartine 1790-1869 French Poet.
Revenge is often like biting a
dog because the dog bit you.
--Austin O’Malley 1858-1932 American Oculist.
Histories are more full of
examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.
--Alexander Pope 1688-1744 English Poet.
Man is an animal that makes
bargains; no other animal does this--no dog exchanges bones with another.
--Adam Smith 1723-1790 Scottish Politician and Economist.
When there is an old maid in the
house, a watchdog is unnecessary.
--Honore de Balzac. 1799-1850 French Novelist.
A dog is the only thing on this
earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
--Josh Billings
The dog that will follow
everbody ain’t worth a curse.
--Josh Billings.
If dogs could talk, perhaps we’d
find it just as hard to get along with them as we do people.
--Karel Capek 1890-1938 Czech Journalist.
You never realize a dog is a man’s best friend until you start betting on horses.
Dogs are lousy poker players. When the get a good hand they wag their tails.
Dumb dog. I bought a dog whistle. He won’t use it.
A guy wanted the vet to cut his dog’s tail off. The vet asked why. Well, my mother in law is visiting next month and I want to eliminate any possible indication that she is welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen are
permitted to have friends in the kennel but not in the kitchen.
--George Bernard Shaw 1856 British Dramatist.
The more I see of men the more I
like dogs.
--Madame de Stael 1766-1817 French social leader.
Heaven goes by favor; if it went
by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
--Mark Twain.
When a man’s dog turns against
him it is time for a wife to pack her trunk and go home to mama.
--Mark Twain.
A reasonable amount of fleas is
good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog.
--Edward Noyes Westcott 1846-1898 American Banger & Novelist.
The man who gets bit twice by
the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other.
--Josh Billings.
A door is what a dog is
perpetually on the wrong side of.
--Ogden Nash
Both humans and dogs love to
play well in adulthood, and individuals from both species occasionally display
evidence of having a conscience.
--John Winokur, American Writer
Oh, what is the matter with poor
Puggy-Wug? Pet him and kiss him and give him a hug. Run and fetch him a suitable
drug. Wrap him up tenderly all in a rug. That is the way to cure Puggy-Wug.
--Winston Churchill, on his daughter Mary's pet pug.
I know that dogs are pack
animals, but it is difficult to imagine a pack of standard poodles...and if
there was such a thing as a pack of standard poodles, where would they rove to?
Bloomingdale's?
--Yvonne Clifford, American actress
The great pleasure of a dog is
that you make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, he
will make a fool of himself too.
--Samuel Butler
The pug is living proof that God
has a sense of humor.
--Margot Kaufman, American writer
Outside of a dog, a man's best
friend is a book; inside of a dog, it is very dark.
--Groucho Marx.
My little dog -- a heartbeat at
my feet.
--Edith Wharton.
She had no particular breed in
mind, no unusual requirements. Except the special sense of mutual recognition
that tells dog and human they have both come to the right place.
--Lloyd Alexander, American writer.
The poor dog, in life the
firmest friend, "The first to welcome, foremost to defend."
--Lord Byron, an epitaph for his dog Boatswain.
A good dog never dies he always
stays he walks besides you on crisp autumn days when frost is on the fields and
winter's drawing near, his head is within our hand in his old way.
--Mary Carolyn Davies
Children and dogs are as
necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads.
--Harry S. Truman
God ... sat down for a moment
when the dog was finished in order to watch it... and to know that it was good,
that nothing was lacking, that it could not have been made better.
--Rainer Maria Rilke
If a dog's prayers were
answered, bones would rain from the sky.
--Old Proverb
A dog is like an eternal Peter
Pan, a child who never grows old and who therefore is always available to love
and be loved.
--Aaron Katcher, American Educator and Psychiatrist
She was such a beautiful and
sweet creature... and so full of tricks.
--Queen Victoria.
Properly trained, a man can be
dog's best friend.
--Corey Ford, American writer
What kind of life a dog...
acquires, I have sometimes tried to imagine by kneeling or lying full length on
the ground and looking up. The world then becomes strangely incomplete: one sees
little but legs.
--E.V. Lucas, English writer
Fifth Avenue is too expensive
for anyone but dogs.
--Mel Finkelstein, Daily News
My dog can bark like a
Congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary, and play dead like
a receptionist when the phone rings.
--Gerold Solomon, US Congressman
Here, Gentlemen, a dog teaches
us a lesson in humanity.
--Napoleon Bonaparte
They never talk about themselves
but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of
being interested in the conversation.
--Jerome K. Jerome, English humorist
Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt and
Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my
little dog.
--Ernest Thompson Seton, American writer and naturalist.
Acquiring a dog may be the only
opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.
--Mordecai Siegal, Contemporary Writer
Being patted is what it is all
about.
--Roger Caras.
The Saluki... is a marvel of
elegance.
--Vita Sackville-West
A naked dog for a naked lady.
--Gypsy Rose Lee
Bulldogs are adorable, with faces like toads that have been sat on.
My hounds are bred out of the
Spartan kind; So flew'd, so sanded; their heads are hung With ears that sweep
away the morning dew...
--William Shakespeare, a MidsSummer Night's Dream
Some dogs live for praise they
look at you as if to say "Don't throw balls... just throw bouquets."
--Jhordis Anderson, American Painter
Sir, this is a unique dog. He
does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats
although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an
earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit
and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.
--John Steinbeck
Dogs are our link to paradise.
They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside
on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not
boring -- it was peace.
--Milan Kundera
Why is it that my heart is so
touched whenever I meet a dog lost in our noisy streets? Why do I feel such
anguished pity when I see one of these creatures coming and going, sniffing
everyone, frightened, despairing of even finding its master?
--Emil Zola
They are better than human
beings, because they know but do not tell.
--Emily Dickenson
In the late summer afternoon,
when the teacups were cleared, and the family went inside... the dogs who are no
longer under human command, find delight in the company of each other.
--Joe Dunnea, Irish Writer
The Airdale... an unrivaled
mixture of brains, and clownish wit, the very ingredients one looks for in a
spouse.
--Chip Brown, Connoisseur Magazine
His name is not wild dog
anymore, but the first friend, because he will be our friend for always and
always and always.
--Rudyard Kipling